you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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