Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
