So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
