When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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