I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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