My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
