im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
