I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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