Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
