it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
