I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
