Need sex. Gaining weight.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
