He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
