What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
