My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
zippers are such a cool invention
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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