Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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