I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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