Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
