girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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