I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
