i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
