never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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