That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
