you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Randomize
