The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
