if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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