You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
