Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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