I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
