When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
