Is it because I queefed?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
