Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
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