well I can't set my house on fire every night
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Randomize
