i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
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What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
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well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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