i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
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Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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