Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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