You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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