I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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