Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She bit a glass in half.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
