Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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