Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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