Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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