The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
