I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
