I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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