OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
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I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
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