you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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