I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
