im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
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A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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