I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
