So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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