i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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