His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP ππππ
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