Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
