awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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