goodnight i made you a song goodbye
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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